What Can Brown Do For You?

On my accident-prone march to becoming completely uninsurable, it occurred to me that I have no one to blame for my miseries... except UPS. Let me tell you what Brown's down for me. I had a rare opportunity to leave work on Friday while it was still light outside. Instead I stuck around because I was waiting with Christmas-Eve anticipation for my new iPhone to arrive. Checked online first thing in the morning to find that it left the shipping warehouse en route to me at 8:49 a.m. By 4 p.m. I grew concerned. I tracked the package to ind it accidentally re-routed to Chicago. No way I could wait until Monday. I already waited this long. I intervened and had the phone routed back to the Northbrook processing center where I was told I could pick it up at 6:30. I waited there for 40 minutes, while the Queen of Osteoporosis waited on customers with a speed that would make post office employees look meth maniacs. I believe her ratted hair was still architecturally sound because the AquaNet that's been holding it up since 1963 (and those same fleurocarbons have probably caused this crazy climate shift). As I waited the drizzle turned to wrath-of-God rain, so that by the time I was headed home, I couldn't see an inch beyond my windshield. About five doors down from my house, i hit it -- the deepest street flood I've encountered. Once I waded in, I was committed. All I could do is floor it and hope for the best. i got the worst. My car died out in the middle of the newly blossomed Lake Gurnee. And I have a cast on my leg that I can't get wet. I had no choice but to press that blue button. But while OnStar was still trying to process my predicament, the one bright spot of my day occurred: I was fished out by a good-Samaritan with a tow strap. My car was good and dead though. Even a Caddy can only hold its breath underwater for so long. Luckily my brother was in town with the kids for a rain-soaked day at Six Flags. He brought me some garbage bags to swaddle my cast, and with my walker I joned him in pushing my newly freed car to the side of the road. I hoped it would dry out overnight, but no go. I'm watching it through my window get towed away. So close and yet so far. So now I have to pay for a car rental, an insurance deductible and a year's worth of OnStar. You better believe I'll be pressing that blue button every time I need someone just to tell me I'm pretty. At this point I have the world's most expensive iPhone. And I think I should sue UPS for putting me in the wrong place at the wrong time. You think there's an app for that?